I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
