So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
