it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
