Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
