I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
