God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
