i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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