I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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