I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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