I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
