no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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