so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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