he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
That reminds me...we need to get swords
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
