Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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