I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
