this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
