just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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