One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
