I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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