found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
