why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
