OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
