So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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