I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's shark week go big or go home
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
