Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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