This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
