Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just pee around me
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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