omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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