i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
