I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
