you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My balls are so social today.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
