i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
