dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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