Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
