I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
