Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
