see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
When did angry sex become our thing?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
