Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
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he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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