my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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