I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
