Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
it glows. i had to have it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
