I want to have your abortion
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
