We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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