...so i touched it.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
