I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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