Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
