so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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