hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
