i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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