My cat gives me a boner
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
