I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
