What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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