hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
