Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
it was like eating out sand paper
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
