You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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