three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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