I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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