Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
